No Absolutes: Journey to Humility

I remember being a little teeny bopper, leading my own gender equality revolt in my bedroom, playing outside only if it was raining and there was mud, despising everything that was expected of me. Normal statements would be:

“I will NEVER get married. Who needs a man anyways?! I take care of myself, plus there are animals to keep me company.”

“I will NEVER have kids.”

“If I have kids, I will NEVER stay at home. EVER”

“A career will be my priority, not a family”

I remember a time my dad was having a “guys” night with some of my cousins at a baseball game, (I am like the only girl cousin) I cried and screamed how unfair it was that events like this were divided by gender and if I wanted to go I should be able to go! I shouldn’t be excluded because of my gender! Then I stormed to the bathroom and cried. Great way to prove a feminist point, get real emotional. (sarcasm) FYI. My dad let me go….

I don’t know what it is about my parents that they raised two very strong, independent, gender equality-seeking women. They are normal people. My mom stayed home, my dad worked. They never taught us this stuff. It was authentically engrained in me. I feel bad for them.

Life taught me many lessons along the way. One of the most humbling experiences came when I was 11. I experienced the feeling of true loss for the first time. Over and over again. I remember this shaking me to the core, changing my perspective, realizing the lack of control I had for my life, and teaching me nothing is permanent.

Then life began happening, I met a boy when I was 14 that I would marry right after high school. (Against the advice of many)

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I got married.

Then I found myself in the final semester of college, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, at my dream internship, on the fast track to the career I desired. Yet, I found myself on the bathroom floor, throwing up continuously from morning sickness.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I was pregnant.

Then I found myself graduating college, pregnant, no job prospects (who wants to hire a prego?!) I was home. I was still. The lord forced me to just be still in his presence. I was learning I am a pawn in his plan. My sweet baby boy was born and I was a stay at home mom.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I was a stay at home mom.

I now find myself looking and applying for jobs, and praying no mater what job I get, I will keep my family first.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” is leaving. My family will be my priority, not my job.

I sit here snuggling my 4 month old, and tears roll down my face thinking about the day I won’t wake up to his face every morning. The day I will spend more time at work then home. Parenting blogs say the most important gift you can give a child is time, and I know that will be rare in the career I am going into.

I look back at my “never, evers” and wonder what I was fighting so hard against. My “never evers” have turned into the biggest blessings of my life. Before Oliver was born I was mourning over not being able to jump into the work force and now I am mourning the opposite.

I used to wonder why mom's didn’t work, why they stayed at home. I see that now. The Lord obviously has different plans for me, but I get it. I get why mom’s stay at home.

This experience has opened my eyes to both worlds. I see the pain and hardships of staying at home and the pains and hardships of working outside the home. I get it. I want to be there for Oliver’s first steps, first words, watch him change everyday. I want to just be able to be there. That is my prayer for this new stage of life. That I will be present when I am home. That means finding balance in the unknown. That means balancing what I foresee as working nights, holidays, and weekends. Balancing a stressful career and raising babies. It’s possible, I know. It’s scary though.

The Lord is using this experience to refine me though, change my heart and strengthen my family.  Every “never ever” that was broken was a humbling, beautiful experience that taught me life happens. The Lord is in charge of my life. My future is already mapped out. He knows my every step along the way. I can’t live in fear of this change. The Lords plans never fail.  My tattoo on my wrist reminds me his plans are to prosper not to harm.

I still wear my heart on my sleeve, I am still probably too opinionated, I still have absolutes. This is my journey to humility. The Lord is teaching me though; there are no absolutes, except the Lord. He will absolutely always be in control and be present.

I ask for prayer as I’m going through the application processes, that the Lord will open doors or SLAM others. That interviewers will find favor to my application even though hundreds others are applying. Pray I listen to the Lords will.

Any mommas that balance work, school, and parenting etc. that want to give advice on how they balance everything, that would be amazing!

Love you all. Have a great week.