Closed Doors: Hearing the Yes in the No.

Door after door has been shut for me. Job after job isn’t working out. I apply for something and boom position already filled… blah blah. Always something. Not a big something, just a little something. I expanded the job search to just something part time. I think that would be an easier adjustment for Ollie and I anyways. Nothing yet. But, ya know, I am starting to think these aren’t closed doors.

I think it’s a wide-open one.

A release.

An opportunity.

It’s the lord’s way of saying, “raise your baby”.

I would feel a sense of loss when getting calls about full time job positions, but would push on for the sake of our family…..For our need of health insurance, for our desire to live debt free. Yet, a sense of loss for leaving my baby….

Then they wouldn’t work out.

And that would suck. I would beat myself up. Always hearing that voice saying “your just not good enough”.

Yet the Lord saying, “you are who I say you are.”

Hearing no, over and over, is just hard. Even if its nothing you DO. It's no ones fault the position was already full…. Yet, still..... Super discouraging. 

I think the Lord is telling me something. Showing me to stop looking, because he has the perfect job for me right now.

My worth is not based upon how much I make, it’s not a dollar amount.

Yet, when you work to get a degree that’s what you’re working towards. Let's be honest. You are working towards a dollar amount.

So, I am changing my mind set. My life won't revolve around my next step or finding THE job. I am just going to live. 

I will raise my son, that’s my JOB right now! (But hey, if I’m staying home, lets just have a herd of children, just saying) 

Sometimes closed doors aren’t what you think. I truly believe the Lord was opening a door I didn’t want to accept. I find JOY in being with my son . Staying home is a BLESSING. I’ll keep searching for part time jobs. I still look a couple times a week. But I will NOT feel discouraged by the no’s.... Because that NO is the YES to my life right now. I am staying open to finding something but not beating myself up for the life the Lord is telling me to live right now. 

I am going to enjoy this summer with my babe. What a BLESSING. I can go to the pool with him, library story time, playdates…. Oh man, I am excited! This is going to be the BEST summer EVER!

Take heart friends, stopping hearing No, and hear the Lord saying YES to something. I promise, there is a yes in the no! 

I am a Germaphobe.....

Germs have been on muh mind and Its time for me to confess…..The first step is admitting you have a problem...

I have never met someone like me. After you read this you will probably agree, that’s a good thing.

I feel like I can see germs. Crawling around on every hard surface, public bathrooms, door handles, credit card machines (THE WORST), strangers….

Sometimes, I feel like I am losing it.

During summer/spring months my craziness is pretty much tucked away, and than fall/winter hits and BAM its back. The dreaded Flu season.....When I touch something in public I am convinced it has the influenza on it. I treat everyone and everything as if they are infected. I have to resist the urge to run and wash my hands every few minuets so strangers don’t think I have completely lost it.

After being in public, I come home and go straight to washing my hands, anything I touch before that point does get bleached. Sorry… When my husband returns home from work he must wash the influenza off of his hands because I am certain he has been exposed...

I. Have. A. Problem.

Crazy people don’t know they are crazy though, right?

Then I had Ollie, and I feel like my germ seeing super power got heightened. Oh dear….. I see him put things in his mouth… and it kills me. My insides twist and turn as I refuse to give into the urge to swipe that dirty little item clear across the room. "Don’t be a helicopter mom." "Don’t be a helicopter mom." "Don’t be a helicopter mom". I repeat and repeat in my head.

It’s GOOD for him to crawling around and getting exposed to things, I can’t protect him from EVERYTHING. Logic, right?! Yet, it doesn’t keep my heart from exploding every time he grabs a cell phone and puts it in his mouth.

When’s the last time you cleaned your phone?!?! Hmmm?? Hmmm?? Exactly. That’s what I thought.

Things like kids play places seem like immanent death to me. (How are these still legal?! I must start a petition soon…) I am 100% sure there is some incurable disease lurking in that ball pit.

There should be support groups for people like this.

My husband says I need therapy. I think I agree.

Here’s to hoping my newly crawling baby breaks this obsessive behavior in me, and that I don’t create a mini germaphobe. Poor kid.

Any recovering germaphobes out there?! 

And I will leave you with a great song that sums up my weirdness. Click the link and listen if you want to laugh :)

https://soundcloud.com/bobby-bones/wash-your-hands-the-raging