Almost three months in and time has gone so fast yet so slow at the same time. It feels like Ollie has just always been apart of our family but we are still trying to figure each other out at the same time. We are blessed to have a good baby IMO. I know how hard some parents have it. We struggle daily, but there are always laughs and giggles in between to make it all worth it. No one likes to talk about the struggles much though. When a new baby comes everyone just smiles and congratulates…. Which is great but being a parent is hard why doesn’t anyone talk about that aspect. Yes, babies are a blessing but they are hard. The first few weeks with O were hard. The nights were hard. Eating was hard. Breastfeeding was hard. The stress was hard. The transition is hard. Getting to know your baby is hard. Recovery is hard. You brought a new human into this world. You will not know their personality right away because it takes time. It is hard.
The struggle for us started the day we found out O was
breech. We worked to hard to educate and prepare for a 100% natural birth. If
you read our birth story you will find out we couldn’t of had anything further
from a natural birth. We had an external aversion to have O flipped…. Then we
failed our biophysical…. Then we were induced with Pit….then they broke my
water….then I got more pit…. A shot of some drug….an epidural…and ultimately a
c-section that I was not mentally prepared for. The interventions began at 40 weeks and just kept coming. I
am lucky to have not suffered from PPD, which was a huge concern for us. We
made decisions to try and avoid getting into that situation such as
encapsulation and we decided that Dakota would stay home the first week with
me. Recovery from a c-section is no joke. The meds messed with me a lot. I
would throw up a lot… and which with incisions that is no fun. Physically I was worn
down, had little sleep, was on major pain pills, and was trying to breastfeed.
I was not prepared for the mental side of recovery though. I was dealing with
and still am dealing with extreme birth disappointment. No one talks about
this. When you want nothing more then to give your child a natural entrance
into the world and that is taken away and not possible you have to grieve over
this. It was something I couldn’t
give my child. Every time I read birth stories, see a picture of a new baby
born, I cry. I can’t help it. It is very emotional to know that is something
that I wanted to badly to experience and may not ever be able to. Bonding with
my baby was greatly affected due to my c-section. I was not able to hold my
baby right away. We did not have skin-to-skin time like we were supposed to. My
baby was brought into this world and spent the first moments of his life with
strangers. My baby wanted to nurse but was not able to because I still needed
stitched up. I know this effected how our breastfeeding relationship started.
My milk took about 4 days to “come in”. This was due to the
meds and stress of my surgery. It did not come in like EVERYONE told me it
would. No. It was slow. It was stressful. My baby cried a lot. We struggled a
lot. O lost a pound of birth weight and everyone said, “oh, its normal for
babies to lose weight. He will gain it quickly.” No. Wrong. 6 weeks later we
finally made it to birth weight. This was hard. This was emotional, but I
strongly believe that breast milk is so much better for babies so I fought hard
for this relationship. I am lucky to have a Dr that was fully supportive of me
trying. I NEVER once supplemented with formula even though specialists
suggested it… I just constantly nursed my baby and pumped and supplemented with
what I pumped and prayed. Prayed every time I tried to feed my baby. Prayed
that the lord would meet his needs because I knew no matter what I did I could
not will this to work it was the Lord that could do this. When we finally
gained the weight back it was a relief but our relationship is still not easy.
On top of my milk coming in slow I have discovered O has a lip tie. Which
causes nursing to be more difficult. Which I know is another reason for our
slow weight gain. We see a
specialist in December, until then we will work at it. My baby still nurses all
the time. He wants to nurse about every hour, for about 20 mins or so. Due to
his lip tie he can’t hold a pacifier in his mouth so I am his pacifier. I know
he doesn’t always want to eat every hour but he wants to suck. He nurses for
comfort. He nurses to bond. He nurses to eat. I made the decision to nurse on
demand and that’s what I am going to do. It is hard. We don’t go very many
places. I nurse before we go somewhere and nurse usually when we get somewhere.
It’s hard to pump when he eats every hour. But nursing makes my baby feel
secure. It comforts him. For that, I will offer up my body every min of every
day to feel that bond with my baby. Our bond was interrupted with my c-section
so I am so thankful we are making this work. It is hard but so worth it. So,
word of advice, encourage nursing moms. We need a culture that promotes trusting
women and their bodies. Our bodies are so much stronger then we believe. Every
time someone questions my nursing I will defend it to the death. I question
myself enough, I will always do what I think is best for my baby. We need to
encourage moms/parents not question them. I am lucky to have a mom that successfully breastfed all her
babies, and a grandma that did the time. They are my heroes and were such a support.
Always encouraging me. I am blessed to have them in my life.
Our routine is slowing getting into place. Daytime is still
a mess. I usually lay down with O from 1-3 and he sleeps off in and on and
nurses. This is usually the only way I can get him to sleep during the day. He
gets super grumpy though if we don’t do this because he NEEDS the sleep he just
doesn’t like sleeping during the day. I am yet to be able to get him to sleep
without holding him in my arms. I will not let him “cry it out”. It doesn’t
work for our family. Slowly I know he wont always want me to hold him so for
the time being I will snuggle with him and enjoy our down time. (I get nothing done during the day if
you haven’t noticed. I’m either feeding him or holding him as he sleeps. Oh
well, the housework can wait for me to bond with my babe)
Nighttime is better. He goes to bed at 7 now every night. We
give him a bottle at night. (I pump while he sleeps) Dakota does night time
most of the time. It’s their time to bond. We do jammies, swaddle, sound
machine, and bottle. Usually nighttime is super easy. He has slept in his own
room in his crib since he was two weeks old. Weird kid… he hated sleeping with
us! Ha-ha The first night we put him in his own crib he slept so much better! I
am glad that this part was easy for us. He was sleeping from then until about 5
in the morning which was glorious but that hasn’t lasted. He usually gets up
once or twice in the night now but for only about 10-15mins and right back to
sleep. I decided when he was first born that every time he gets up at night I
would use it as an opportunity to pray over him. I have done this ever since.
It is a sweet time and some nights I guess he just needs extra prayers J He will usually sleep
a total of 12 hours at night. Praise Jesus. Dakota and I get some time together
at night too, which is amazing. Although, we live in a very very tiny
house…..every room EXCEPT the laundry room shares a wall with O’s room. We have
to tip toe around…. We watch Netflix on our Ipad in bed because the TV wakes up
O. He is a light sleeper. It’s a fun, sweet time in life though. We always
laugh and say some day we will look back at hiding in our room with snacks and
Netflix and miss this time.
Now for work. I graduated in May. I have student loans. I can’t
be a stay at home mom forever. I never thought I would love staying home with O
so much. I love spending time with him. Playing with him. Even though it’s
hard, most days I don’t shower, or eat much, I love every min of it. I love
watching him grown and learn. I am enjoying this time so much because I know it
wont last forever. I have started looking slowing. I know where I want to apply
first. It has been recommended to me to run about 10 miles a week before apply.
I am trying to work on this. My core is completely shot. Not only did my abs
separate from growing a toddler in my belly, my abs were cut through as well. I
am still not able to sit up without using my arms. I have no ab strength. So, I
am working on that as well. Physically I am not where I need to be to apply for
these jobs yet. So, we are working on that. I am very passionate about what I
want to do but it will just take some time to get there. We struggle financial
but the Lord has always provided. Every month it really is a miracle that we
pay all our bills and have money for groceries, but we do. I know that right
now I am supposed to be home with O. In a couple months that may not be true. I
have no real plan. We are praying for this. We are used to struggling
financial. Paying our bills is all that we need. We don’t need extra money. It
is not about the possessions. Taking care of our baby is our number one
priority. We clothe diaper and breastfeed so he is not costing us anything at
this moment. Until I feel called back to work though, I will spend time with O.
I will work on the physical things for when the Lord releases me from this
period of time in my life. I do not feel at peace about leaving him yet though.
We are praying for that peace to come once it is time for me to return to work. Luckily, I have my mom that has offered
to watch O. He seems to really enjoy her so I feel 100% comfortable leaving him
with her when then time comes.
Just to put it our there, my husband is an amazing dad. I
don’t think dads get enough credit sometimes. As soon as he gets home he washes
his hands and holds O. He can’t wait to spend time with him. I am so excited to
watch their relationship grown. Kot is an amazing husband and support to me
every day as well. He just is awesome.
Being a new mom has so many struggles. It’s hard. I never
knew something could be so hard, yet so rewarding. This is the hardest job
ever, but it’s my favorite. Some days we cry, some days we laugh but I am
thankful for every day I get to spend with O. All moms out there are super heroes
to me. I have always been a feminist and I can fully understand what it takes
to be a Mom now. So, you are all doing a great job. Keep up the hard work.
Every mom is so different. Every baby is so different. There is no right way to
raise a child. We all do our best. I may be a hippie mom that wants to
implement attachment-parenting ideals and you may be a mainstream parent. So
what. We should all encourages each other. Women can be so hard on each other. Its time to just support
each other. So, good job moms. I think you rock.
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