No Absolutes: Journey to Humility

I remember being a little teeny bopper, leading my own gender equality revolt in my bedroom, playing outside only if it was raining and there was mud, despising everything that was expected of me. Normal statements would be:

“I will NEVER get married. Who needs a man anyways?! I take care of myself, plus there are animals to keep me company.”

“I will NEVER have kids.”

“If I have kids, I will NEVER stay at home. EVER”

“A career will be my priority, not a family”

I remember a time my dad was having a “guys” night with some of my cousins at a baseball game, (I am like the only girl cousin) I cried and screamed how unfair it was that events like this were divided by gender and if I wanted to go I should be able to go! I shouldn’t be excluded because of my gender! Then I stormed to the bathroom and cried. Great way to prove a feminist point, get real emotional. (sarcasm) FYI. My dad let me go….

I don’t know what it is about my parents that they raised two very strong, independent, gender equality-seeking women. They are normal people. My mom stayed home, my dad worked. They never taught us this stuff. It was authentically engrained in me. I feel bad for them.

Life taught me many lessons along the way. One of the most humbling experiences came when I was 11. I experienced the feeling of true loss for the first time. Over and over again. I remember this shaking me to the core, changing my perspective, realizing the lack of control I had for my life, and teaching me nothing is permanent.

Then life began happening, I met a boy when I was 14 that I would marry right after high school. (Against the advice of many)

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I got married.

Then I found myself in the final semester of college, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, at my dream internship, on the fast track to the career I desired. Yet, I found myself on the bathroom floor, throwing up continuously from morning sickness.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I was pregnant.

Then I found myself graduating college, pregnant, no job prospects (who wants to hire a prego?!) I was home. I was still. The lord forced me to just be still in his presence. I was learning I am a pawn in his plan. My sweet baby boy was born and I was a stay at home mom.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” was gone. I was a stay at home mom.

I now find myself looking and applying for jobs, and praying no mater what job I get, I will keep my family first.

That “absolutely never EVER happening” is leaving. My family will be my priority, not my job.

I sit here snuggling my 4 month old, and tears roll down my face thinking about the day I won’t wake up to his face every morning. The day I will spend more time at work then home. Parenting blogs say the most important gift you can give a child is time, and I know that will be rare in the career I am going into.

I look back at my “never, evers” and wonder what I was fighting so hard against. My “never evers” have turned into the biggest blessings of my life. Before Oliver was born I was mourning over not being able to jump into the work force and now I am mourning the opposite.

I used to wonder why mom's didn’t work, why they stayed at home. I see that now. The Lord obviously has different plans for me, but I get it. I get why mom’s stay at home.

This experience has opened my eyes to both worlds. I see the pain and hardships of staying at home and the pains and hardships of working outside the home. I get it. I want to be there for Oliver’s first steps, first words, watch him change everyday. I want to just be able to be there. That is my prayer for this new stage of life. That I will be present when I am home. That means finding balance in the unknown. That means balancing what I foresee as working nights, holidays, and weekends. Balancing a stressful career and raising babies. It’s possible, I know. It’s scary though.

The Lord is using this experience to refine me though, change my heart and strengthen my family.  Every “never ever” that was broken was a humbling, beautiful experience that taught me life happens. The Lord is in charge of my life. My future is already mapped out. He knows my every step along the way. I can’t live in fear of this change. The Lords plans never fail.  My tattoo on my wrist reminds me his plans are to prosper not to harm.

I still wear my heart on my sleeve, I am still probably too opinionated, I still have absolutes. This is my journey to humility. The Lord is teaching me though; there are no absolutes, except the Lord. He will absolutely always be in control and be present.

I ask for prayer as I’m going through the application processes, that the Lord will open doors or SLAM others. That interviewers will find favor to my application even though hundreds others are applying. Pray I listen to the Lords will.

Any mommas that balance work, school, and parenting etc. that want to give advice on how they balance everything, that would be amazing!

Love you all. Have a great week.

What O is doing and Crying it Out

(Mrs. Monkey and her baby in hand ;) )

Oliver is growing like a weed right now. It’s so great to watch. All of his clothes are getting tight and I feel like we just moved up a size! This is such a great “problem” to have. He is fun, laughs, screams, giggles, mimics and makes faces. He is rolling everywhere now. Some days he refuses to stay still and just rolls until something stops him. He is getting so strong and starting to love his Johnny Jump Up.

Our favorite toys this week are: Mr. Monkey, Mrs. Monkey and her baby, and a mirror toy. He loves mirrors. He always looks at himself and smiles. Its sweet. At this age they become very aware of their environment and can have issues processing everything. This is a reason for the “four month sleep regression”. He gets very over stimulated quickly right now. We found this out on Christmas…. * sigh *  I have some what figured out a “nap time” that works for us. I had many mommas suggest about every 2 hours try and sleep him. I had been trying this and failing every time. My husband was home the other day and wore Oliver a lot. While Oliver was being worn he would fall asleep about every 2 hours….. ah yes…. So, that’s how we are doing this. About every two hours I strap him on, and he is falling asleep. It really helps his moods and is helping him sleep through the night. I really hope this keeps working because he needs sleep!

Can I use this as a transition into why we won’t let him just cry it out to make naps work?  Thanks :)

I’ll start out by saying that I have always been fascinated with Psychology. When I started college I was a Psych major, loved it, would read my textbooks for fun. That transitioned into my love for sociology and the study of people and cultures as a whole.  I eventually changed my major to criminal justice, obviously, but accidently got a degree in sociology because I loved the curriculum so much I suddenly took all the classes for fun and was finished without realizing it! A great way to earn a degree! Anyways, this takes me to why we are choosing to parent the way we are. We lean towards Attachment Parenting. It’s a great theory that I am fully supportive of. When we make decisions with Oliver we don’t look at what our parents did, what our friends are doing, what is popular, or what is convenient. We looked at different parenting techniques as a whole, not  JUST the stuff popular in the United States.

What is working and why?

So, what we do might seem strange, unusual, or not practical to mainstream US parents. That’s fine. What we do is based on psychological studies, and research. We are confident in our decisions.

A great quote I read after becoming a parent was “Research everything and go with your instinct” Exactly. We won’t do anything just because we are told. I don’t care if it’s a doctor, an expert or who, we do what we think is best for our child.

(He really wants to crawl, he grabs onto anything and tries to move!) 

No matter how many people tell us to “just let him cry it out” we wont. Babies are not neurologically developed to “self sooth”. They are primal beings. Babies are way smarter then us, by the way. They act strictly on instincts; adults have so much that crowd their instincts. Babies do not have books to read to tell them how to be babies. That would be dumb. So, why do we read books on how to be parents? Social norms can then dictate what we do in parenting instead of our primal decision-making that is built into us when we have children. Babies do not know social norms, thus do not react in such ways. When they cry, there is a reason. I will respond to my child’s cry every time. I will soothe every cry. If you do not think this is correct then look at other cultures and the rates of sleep disorders, and anxiety disorders. Obviously, America is doing something VERY wrong. Other Cultures, moms wear their babies all the time. From the time they wake up (from their family bed), they are fed while worn and taken everywhere strapped to their moms. This is beautiful and I am glad America is catching on. This is not a “fad” it is the way of life for most cultures.

Touch is important. Some where along the line an American “expert” suggested that we can “spoil” our babies by holding them too much. No. We will “spoil” (which means wasting away) them by leaving them alone to fend for themselves. When this fad took over the states, babies that were institutionalized were left with no physical touch. None. Their “needs” were met but were never touched, or held. I’m sure they didn’t cry because they had given up, not because they were “self soothing”. Do you know what happened to the babies that were never held or shown love? They died. 100% of them died. This is a tragic mistake that was made. Those people did what they thought was best. We can learn so much from this history though. Touch and comfort is just as important as food and shelter. When you know better, you can do better.

(Mr. Money pictured) 

As a parent, it is our job to help our children adjust to this new world as easily as possible. That means when they get over whelmed you hold them, and you comfort them. That means when they cry, you listen, because they are communicating something. That means you help them discover the world, but you are close by to comfort when it becomes too much. That means: when they are hungry you feed them, when they are tired, you sleep them, when they want held, you hold them. If they sleep comfortably with you, you co sleep, and if they sleep comfortably in a crib, you allow them. Our parenting philosophy means you give your child respect, you listen to them and allow them to communicate their wants, desires and needs. They know what they need. 

I will not parent in a way that is just convenient for me, but damaging to my son.

( "Really?! Stop with the photos! Fine, one small grin, thats it!")

I will now make a confession. Last week I let him cry. I was frustrated. I couldn’t get him to sleep. For two hours, I would sleep him, lay him down, he would cry, I would comfort, sleep him, lay him down, he would cry. As this went on, I asked myself “why?”. Why do I think he has to sleep only in his crib? He is clearly getting more stressed by the min, my comfort was slowly becoming insufficient,  he wanted to sleep on me. Some day he wont want me at all.... and I thought about it, and there was no good reason why he couldn’t sleep on me. Not one. So I picked him up, held that baby and he went to sleep. I will not break that trust again. It was learning experience, and it didn’t feel right the whole time. At least not for my child’s personality or me. I understand EVERY baby is different and some need a few mins of alone time to stop from being stimulated, but that’s not my baby. There are also different types of cries, mommas know their babies, and know if it’s a fussy “I’m going to sleep cry” or “something isn’t ok cry”. My baby wants human touch, and that is what I will give him. Touch, and attachment is so important in this time in his life where he is developing so quickly. He needs that reassurance. This is why I am so beyond thankful that we are able to successfully breastfeed. I do nurse for the health aspect, but also for the development and attachment aspect. It is a bond that is unlike any other. I believe that breastfed babies should be with their mom’s as much as possible. We use minimal bottles so that we won’t break that bond. Nursing is as much about comfort as it is nutrition. I will be with my baby all the time, unless I can’t. I am looking for a job, and applied for a few so that will separate us. Our days together are numbered. Until then, I will be by his side as much as possible and if I am not available then my husband will be with him. The parental role right now is huge. We have the ability to be present so we will be.

This all may sound strange to some people, because we are taught that parents need constant “breaks”….I don’t completely agree. I do enjoy a meal with my husband without interruption every now and then, but that is sparingly. That doesn’t mean that I do not put my marriage first, it means it just might look different then what our culture says it should look like. Going out on “dates” are not the only way to put your marriage first. For us, it’s not very logical right now. It is expensive. I read a statement last week that said "if you are not going out with your spouse once a week then something is is a priority and this must change immediately" Yes, paying bills does take priority. I hate statements like this. That is NOT the only way to have a relationship. We can have a “date” after baby goes to bed. But, yes, for the record, my marriage absolutely comes first. That is biblical.

I am thankful for my husband, his desire to bond with our baby and as a family. We are bonding as a family now, and that will lay a strong foundation for Oliver’s future. We are doing our best to raise him. We do everything together. This is our life, we makes decisions together for our family and discuss everything. We have a very close marriage and want that to result in being close with our children. We want a home full of love, encouragement, and individuality. 

Moral of the story, we don’t belong in the United States, We are really weird, and never follow the “rules”.  I don't know if what I am doing is "right" but it is what works for this family. Do what works for your individual family. I just want to encourage Mom’s and Dad's to listen to their babies, respond with instincts, and don’t be afraid to love with all your heart. Every parent does his or her best. Every baby has different needs, and needs to be responded to differently. Just be the parent that your instincts tell you to be and don’t listen to anyone that tells you differently. 

(Glaring at me.... yikes... lol!)

Have a great week everyone!! 

Why My Hair Hurts: Reality of Staying at Home

My head. It hurts. My hair. It hurts. Why you ask? Let me explain....

My husband keeps complaining about my hair. It’s falling out like crazy. (Losing all those glorious pregnancy hormones) So, I decided to DIY a deep hair conditioner to see if it would help. Dumb.

My baby, as much as I love him, is very demanding and needy. I still thought I could accomplish this one task. I look up recipes on the computer while simultaneously bouncing baby with my foot in his bouncy.

Boom, found an easy one with stuff I have in my kitchen. Baby continues to fuss while I mix equal parts of honey and oil. Dang coconut oil is a solid though. Idea: Heat in microwave for a min.

Baby cries.

I comfort baby while my glorious mixture heats. Baby comforted. I grab my mixture and run to the bathroom to spread this in my hair. I have maybe 30 seconds before the crying commences.

Dang this mixture feels hot.

Baby cries.

Ok, hurry, hurry, pour and go. I stand over the bathtub and poor this liquid goodness over my hair. Ouch. Ouch. I think it’s burning my scalp. Who would know, who has time to feel, all I hear is screaming baby. But dang, the honey is like welding onto my scalp. Oh well, get to baby. I wrap my hair up and run back to baby in 30 seconds flat. Bam. Task succeeded. Now, just wait 30 mins and rinse.

 Baby fusses, baby eats, baby wants to play but I have to stay close so he can see me.

Oh wait, I still haven’t eaten today.

Crap. Nursing and starving yourself do not go well together. Baby is happy, time to eat some calories. Doesn’t matter much what it is, just need calories. Bam, done.

Baby cries.

Nap time. (AKA: me sitting on the couch, holding baby, looking at the war zone of the house I have, without the ability to move)

Baby sleeps.

Phone rings, husbands off work. Baby wakes and eats. My head. It’s stuck. Stuck to the pillow. Why?

Crap. It’s the honey. It’s the “deep conditioner”. Crap. It’s been almost four hours. It was only supposed to be in 30 mins. Crap. I forgot.

Husband walks in the door and goes to the bathroom to wash his hands…. He then returns asking what the heck went on in the bathroom because it is very sticky….

Ughhhhhhhh……….about that.

I hand baby to the hubs and jump in the shower to remove this brilliant idea from my hair. I scrub and scrub. Jump out of the shower.

Baby cries. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

I come out of the shower, and get a side ways look from my husband as he asks me why my hair is standing out so stiff…..

UGHHHHH. I hate my life. (Just kidding)

After baby fights sleep that night, I get back into the shower to remove the honey that is stuck onto my head. Why did I ever try and do this while taking care of Ollie…

Why.

Second shower and wash and my hair is feeling less stiff and more soft. It worked. Yay. I now go to bed.

I wake up…. Ouch. Oh, ouch. My scalp. It hurts. It feels burnt. That’s because it is. That hot honey and oil mixture that I poured ever so quickly on my scalp was so hot. I ignored it but now I feel it. I feel every hair on my head. It doesn’t feel nice at all. My hair does feel softer, but my scalp feels like it is on fire……

All you can do is laugh. Please laugh with me. Please? :) 

So, moral of the story, Don’t try and do anything while taking care of a needy baby. You will end up with a burnt head, and sticky hair.

Have a Happy New Year All!!